I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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