so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
