If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
