Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
