I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
