just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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