I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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