Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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