my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Found the puke drawer
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I want to be your penis for a week.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
