I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think your dad took our porno
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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