Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
