Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
