Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
