woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
