The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
