I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
