I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
