I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
