Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
