Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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