I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
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Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
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It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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