dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There are leaves in my underwear?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
