you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
