this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
false alarm, still single
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
