How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
