You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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