So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
