cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
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