All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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