I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
