Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
