I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
