If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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