I can tuck mytits in my pants
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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