Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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