I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
