I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
