Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize