Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
