Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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