She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
