i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
