just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
