I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
