She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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