Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
