I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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