my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
