Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
