I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
