and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
