I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
