her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
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Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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