I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
