Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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