I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
