I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize
