He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
