Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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